This post has been a long time coming. Eleven months to be exact. Mostly because people, including myself, don't like admitting that something is wrong with them. Well, I have decided to tell you about a condition that I have. I am doing this because for a long time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was worried, embarrassed, and scared. And finally when I got up the guts to finally tell someone about it she had an answer for me. I want to have that answer for others if they are feeling the way I did. So, (deep breath because I'm clearly out of my comfort zone) here it goes...
I have a breastfeeding condition called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, or D-MER. "D-MER is an anomaly of the milk release mechanism in lactating women. A lactating woman who has D-MER experiences a brief dysphoria just prior to the milk ejection reflex." (Wikipedia). Or in my own words, D-MER is a short feeling of depression/anxiety coupled with a gut wrenching feeling in my stomach for about 30 seconds to a minute before my milk lets down. It happens probably 80% of the time for me but for others it is more or less often.
When I first had Elsy I began having this terrible feeling all the time. The only way I could describe it to Logan was that I just felt like something bad was going to happen. We at first thought it was just anxiety and worries about having a new baby. But I began to realize it only happened when I was nursing and I soon began to hate nursing. It wasn't until later that I discovered it was just when my milk let down. The feeling was brief but it was completely overwhelming in its nature and I would feel scared after it passed. I began trying to distract myself. I started reading my scriptures when I nursed to help me feel better but I soon quit because I didn't like associating the scriptures with such a wretched feeling. Logan would try sitting next to me and talking to me to distract me and that didn't help either. I just kept wondering, "What is wrong with me!?"
Finally, at a check up, I mentioned it. I was very embarrassed about it. The woman helping me just looked at me for a second and said "I've heard of this." Um... okay? She left and came back with a book. There was one short paragraph about what she called D-MER. I read it and wrote down the website it mentioned. The woman told me she only knew about it because another woman had it in the office, until then she hadn't heard of it. I went home feeling a little better. Someone knew how I felt!...even if I hadnt even talked to her. I looked up the website, D-MER.org, and read the entire thing in one sitting. I felt so overwhelmed and relieved that this wasn't just all in my head. It was an actual condition! I was so relieved that I was no longer confused... and then I started to cry because I still really didn't want to feel this way! It took me a little bit but I finally accepted it and could cope with it better because I unspderstood what I had.
Here is what I learned in a quick nutshell. The woman helping me didn't know much about D-MER because it is a relatively new discovery. The first time someone recorded feeling a feeling of dysphoria when their milk let down was only in 2004. It wasn't given a medical name until 2007. People just didn't talk about it prior to then. The cause is still unknown but it is assumed that it has to do with the levels of dopamine in a women's system when her milk lets down and that the dopamine 'misbehaves' somehow in women with the condition. D-MER is a physiological reflex, not a psychological one. This means you can't talk yourself out of the feeling because it is a chemical reaction that is occurring in your body rather than a thought process you might be going through. You can find more information on D-MER.org.
So why am I telling you about this? Because as I have studied this condition, as well as breastfeeding, I have noticed a lot of women commenting on hating breastfeeding because they can't stand it for one reason or another. Maybe they don't like to have their breasts touched or they for some reason cry uncontrollably every time they sit down to nurse. Whatever the reason they usually end their comments with "I don't know why this happens but it just does." Well, I guess I just want to raise awareness of this condition. I know that it is not the answer for every woman who finds herself disliking breastfeeding, but it is the answer for some.
Once I knew I had D-MER it wasn't all that bad anymore. I understood that it would only last less than a minute, that it would pass, that other women knew how I felt. Prior to this the bad feeling seemed to last longer, even after nursing, because I felt confused and scared after the feeling passed. By understanding what I had I no longer hated breastfeeding. I could finally pinpoint my problem. Instead of giving up breastfeeding (which I contemplated a few times) I was able to begin to enjoy it because I knew it wasn't some crazy thing that was all in my head. When the feeling would start I was able to grit my teeth, lay my head back and say, "This will be over in 30 seconds." I'm not going to lie, I am a bit relieved to be weaning Elsy now that she is almost a year old, but I was able to enjoy nursing her more once I found out what was going on inside my body.
I am so grateful that I learned about this condition. I just wanted to write a post so you are aware of it. That way if you or someone you know experiences these kinds of feelings you will be able to better understand and explain what is going on. I am grateful for my husband for being so understanding and helpful.
Elsy is almost one year old now and I am in the process of weaning her. I plan to breastfeed my future children, too. In the words of my good friend Amy, "For something that is supposed to be natural it sure is hard and uncomfortable!" It's so true but in the end, being close to your baby is all worth it.
